There are reasons and there are so many thoughts in my mind. At times it’s chaotic and sometimes there’s silence. My heart is out here in these words. What there was, there would be and I wish there were.
This is not about what I think, it’s about what I am. What I am made of. The embryo of my heart, the place where I sit and think, mostly. I confuse people with who I am because I am yet in the process of knowing myself. I can sit for hours in my balcony and look out into nothing. I love the feeling of Sun dripping down on my face on a cold winter morning. I love crowd and I love getting lost with them, strange enough I hate at times to be with anyone. People claim that they know me!! I smile to myself and wonder, yeah, so how much?
I let you know about me, only as much as I want you to... the rest is a myth or assumption… At times I wonder myself about this dual me living right inside myself. Is it just me it dwells or is it everyone else too. I don’t pretend and I am not a hypocrite, perhaps if you look deeper you will see the walls, the fears, the child and the sea within me, but only when you try. So there’s this world outside which does not bother to know me yet claims things about me. Then there’s another world too, where they know me and at times love me and rest hate me for who I am. I try to see the people around me in the same way and wonder “which side of the world am I dwelling in for them when I pass judgments?” No one is always right and everyone is not always wrong …. Some point we all are on the other side of the world while judging someone. So the next time you say I am wrong, try and think and if I do the same, remind me too.
The dual me is like my twin, now. There have been moments where both of us simultaneously want to do different things, love two different people. I have always wondered why we can’t have a world where I can collect all my favorite people and keep them stored! No goodbye’s, I can love as many as I want and see anyone I wish. With experience I realized, that will never be possible. A void is left by someone in our hearts to be filled with pain, sadness and later a lesson and then love. If there are no voids, there will be no new beginnings, no new places. So with time I have learnt to love and respect the wishes of my twin just the way it too has done. We can’t exist without and against eachother.
This theory of void, I wish to tell someone long time back. Someone who’s heart I broke, not sure though. But surely I must have done something horrible to make that person hate me so much, as much as he loved me. Once upon a time, I must have given hope and then shattered it. No sorry’s of the world made him ever forgive me. And then I realized that I have to stop being guilty, I have to stop trying. I have to stop taking the blame, for the simple fact “I can never learn someone else’s lesson for them”. Everyone has to read the book of experience themselves. Perhaps there is still hatred and the loss of something which I could never be but I also hope that with time he will know that a broken heart can never stop us from moving on in life. At times it drives us. Drives us to the zenith which we ourselves never knew. I have learnt this from the ancient book called “My Own Experience”.
“People say love is God”. Is it? If really, then why do we cry in love, why so much grief, why are there broken hearts, lonely paths, revenge, sadness. And then I know, I get all my answers just by looking into the loving eyes of someone. I know that every tear I cried, every time I broke down, pain, the grudge, loneliness, my confused thoughts, the would be’s and wish there were’s just stop here. In the loving touch of the one who makes everything worth. We go through every possible raw emotion, to learn what we forgot, to appreciate what we ignored, to smile for the unknown and to fall in love again. Love, we say is God, because where else do we learn to forgive, where else do we smile with tears, it’s a miracle. I believe so and I know so. And Love never goes, it stays. At time invisible and at times changing shapes. But somewhere there, always. As long as I remember this, I will know that I am never alone. Never abandoned.
The lonely paths are my destiny to walk the miles, for salvation, to open new doors and welcome and open new chapters in my life. To rejuvenate.
And I will wrap here. This is not what I might write again. But somewhere in my heart, I had to do this. And my heart does things without reasons coz it’s like a free bird.
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