The Day I met Myself!

As I walked inside the gates of my University, the memories came rushing back. Nothing absolutely nothing has changed. It was all the same, just as I imagined it to be, on a bright November afternoon.

It scared me how much I still remembered each and everything, from my last walk here to my first glimpse as a teenager into a different world. Each step took me closer towards the memories which I buried deep inside , my heart fluttered and I thought, perhaps a part of me would always be caged here. I never allowed myself to look back knowing that the memories were still so real that the instant I close my eyes and I would go back to that moment again. How much I wanted to relive those days!And suddenly a voice interrupted,

“Hey!”.

I looked back and found myself; a teenager with sparkling eyes and rainbows when she smiled. I realized I had lost her somewhere on the way, in between all the chaos and mess. I hugged her and she hugged me back and said "Welcome back stranger".

Girl: You have changed; I mean you don't smile that often now. Is it how grown up people are supposed to behave?

I smiled and looked at the girl: innocent, full of life and many dreams. I knew what she said was so true, when was the last time I laughed? I kept on shifting my happiness from one day to another with the promise that tomorrow will bring back my lost smile. Irony was that tomorrow never came.

Me: How do u know me so well?

Girl: Don't forget once upon a time you were me and I was your best friend. You moved on with new friends, new places and kept on denying my existence. And finally you forgot me. You were not ready to give me just one chance.

I looked down and braced myself. I stayed in denial for so long that the myth had become a reality to me. Perhaps it was my time to come out of my shell, move on. And as they say "A time to rend a time to sew"

Girl: Just hold my hands & open the gates of your mind and I promise that it won’t hurt. Just try once.

I took her hands and just smiled knowing that she was right, at some point I had to learn and smile at my past. I can’t forget till I forgive. A walk into the fragments of my past, few memories that I have stabbed into the depths of my heart, for I have forbidden myself to think.

Me: But I don't want any more nightmares, walking into my past.

She looked at me, as if surprised.

Girl: Nightmares! There are no nightmares here. I can only help you if you are ready to throw away all your apprehensions and just trust me. You ought to trust again.

Me: I said “Trust!”, as I played with the word in my mind. “Let’s go!”

Thus we started our stroll into the corners of my life that I had left behind, few doors that I wasn't ready to open and had thrown away the keys. Forcing myself to live with the theory "If I don't see it, then it won’t hurt too" however the fact remained that it still hurt me and I still woke up at nights. New cities, new friends, new hobbies and sometimes I thought a new self will make me forget this part of my life but in the deepest corner of my heart the reality was etched forever, no matter how much I ignored, the scars remained. May be because I had never let those scars heal.

I stopped dead in my tracks, cold feet, dry throat and nausea, I saw the Girl who was walking with me now, mesmerized with a stranger.

Girl: What happened?

Me: It’s you! You are smiling, doesn't that stranger scare you? You don't know him. What if he hurts you?

Girl: Yes, it is me. If I kept on fearing the hurt I would never get new experiences, and a life bereft of hurt and broken hearts will never make me appreciate the small wonders in life.

Me: I don't want to go any further and see all this again.

Girl: Why? What is it which you so scared about? This part of your life you have to learn to cherish, it hurts because you let it hurt you. Try and relive the moment.

We both looked at these two people, no animosity no hatred all I could see was love and a promise for many more new things to come. It was so real, so alive that I could feel myself drawn towards them but didn't want to break the beauty of that moment.

Girl: You are smiling! You are smiling because it isn’t hurting you.

I was surprised that it didn't hurt.

Girl: That was their first meeting, wasn't it? Yet it seemed they knew each other forever! No chaos just tranquility. It doesn't seem scary to me.

How could I ever be scared when it was so beautiful.

We kept walking and the Girl stopped in front of the Basket Ball Court (BBC).

The day was as sunny as it was years back when I held his hands for the first time. They were sitting in the court, shy and glowing and looking so beautiful.

Me: I remember it all. I know how it felt; Feeling of déjà-vu. My heart was ecstatic seeing them together. They were perfect.

Girl: Yes they are. I say "are" because I want you to live this moment and not just deny it. Feel what I feel right now, don't stop yourself, have the courage to accept things the way they are. You ultimately had to come back and pick up the pieces which you left years back.

Me: You know all these years I kept on blaming and then I kept on looking for answers in the wrong places with the wrong people not knowing that the answer was right within me. I just had to stop and look into myself.

Girl: You went running around everywhere because you were destined to, in that process you encountered many things which in the end brought you back here.

With every distance we covered I met these two in so many other corners: in the SAC, lover’s lane, the Antaragini disk and so many other places. And then I was standing in Hall 4 room no A204. I looked at the Girl, who unlike me seemed at ease with this place and asked her:

Me: It’s so quite, you think they are inside?

Girl: Very much. They are right there. Why don't you open the door and check it yourself?

My legs were shaking, I knew deep within what I would see inside. And as the door fell ajar my heart just stopped beating. The room was exactly how it was the day we had a major tiff. The half-eaten pastry and the cute small teddy sitting on the study table just as I had left them. I saw him looking outside the window and the Girl sitting on the chair pretending to read a book.

I whispered with choked throat:

Me: They fought. Why don't you just ask them to make up? It hurts to see them like this because years later when they will be strangers this very moment will hurt them just as it hurts me..

I had tears in my eyes. How much I wanted to go back and hug him when I was busy being angry and happy with my stupid ego.

Girl: I know it’s hurting and I know it hurts you too. But they are bound to make mistakes, many more fights and arguments. You and I can't stop this because they will fall and they shall rise again. Make it up and again move apart. This is what experience is all about; they had to learn to value what they had.

Me: Why do you say as if this is it? Won’t they be together?

Girl: We both know the answer.

And she walked out of the room leaving me alone there.

Yes I knew the answer I knew that they will never make it together; I knew that the journey ahead was too difficult and too tough for them. For once I wanted to shield them from all the pain, I turned away and moved out of the room closing the door knowing that blaming someone else was never the solution. It was me who made the mistakes too.

I saw her standing in the gallery of the hall.

Girl: The next place where I am going will make you even more sad; you think you will be all right?
I thought about it and said “Yes!”. Because for once I just wanted to walk and face things in place of ignoring them.

We reached the saddest part of my life that I never forgot. The day we said goodbye! I stood still, didn't breathe as my heart was heavy and I looked towards the Girl and the Boy.They both looked so tired after all the fights, misunderstandings, tears and blaming each other.

For years this tiny precise moment of my life I kept playing and replaying hoping to turn back time and hug him a little longer, hold his hands and say "It’s OK we will make it work". I realized today that nothing and absolutely nothing could change things, as that was inevitable.

We both met for a reason and we parted ways because our time together was done and the chapter we both had to learn was over. We now had to make a new journey with new milestones and strangers who later would become part of our lives. And for the first time I smiled, although still my heart ached and longed to make these two lovely creatures fall in love again, though I knew it was time. I saw them hugging, perhaps for the last time and I knew they both will treasure this time, this day and each other forever in their hearts.

People they meet will never ever figure this out. These two will never meet again but they will always know that once in their lives they loved and loved without reasons.I turned back and looked at the Girl, she too had tears. I was ready to go.We sat in the basket Ball Court (I still loved this place).

Me: I am happy that I took this walk with you or else I might have always remained the prisoner of my past, with bitter memories. Meeting you has changed everything for me, you taught me the lesson which I had long forgotten that love is never bitter and it never goes away, only people and time move on, love stays forever and always. So many things I was not ready to confess and today I know that confessions of the heart are the ones that take ages and years to realize.

I heard someone calling for me, I turned and saw him, perhaps the sweetest face for me at that moment; The Man who's my best friend, my rock, who always stood by me through my mood swings and held my hands when the going was tough. How on earth did I ever even think that there was no love for me, when God had sent his sweetest angel to love me, forever?I got up to leave and asked the Girl.

Me: I hope you won’t leave me now?

Girl: I never left you. I am always there; you only have to search for me within.

With that she went.

Angel: There you are. I thought you were wiped away from the face of earth.

I felt like rushing and giving him a huge hug.

And this time I didn't stop myself. I guess it shocked him for sure.

Angel: Whoa, what happened!

Me: I love you Honey, missed you so much.Angel: I love you too sweetheart, but you are scaring me, because you hardly say all this so often. What’s up!

Me: Nothing, just that I met an old friend and it was an awesome conversation. Amidst all this I realized how much I love you.

Angel: I thought you didn't know anyone here.

Me: I did, I just forgot her somehow, m glad that i met her again.

With that we both walked hand in hand towards new horizons and many more paths to be explored and for once I knew I will never ever be scared of my past and for my present.
I will always cherish this conversation with myself; it made me see things from a different perspective and helped me appreciate things in my life. It taught me to value love and value those who love me. Now, even if I look back someday, I know there won’t be any sad memories; it’s just the smiles I would remember.